So my youngest son has been in the hospital since mid week and although we're not here because he is sick (although he is), we are still having our fifth visit this year.
When we were praying about where we felt God was leading us to in the country in terms of jobs, we wanted with all we had for God to tell us we should move back home and have Him make it all work out. I knew I wanted it so bad I decided to pray that if that wasn't where we supposed to be at the time, no possibilities would present themselves and all doors would be closed. Well, all I can say is be careful what you pray for because there were literally NO opportunities in my husband's field when we were looking hard-core near home. Not only none there, there were also no opportunities anywhere in the surrounding cities either. I'd say God was speaking pretty clearly.
When we had our options laid out in front of us, I felt God was telling me we needed to move to Pennsylvania and the reason really disturbed me. I felt for months over and over and over again we needed to move here because the children's hospital was the best in the country. I was freaked out. I tried to find other reasons to move other places. I was 5 months pregnant and kept thinking, well my older child is well so what is going to be so wrong with my baby that I would need that kind of care anyway? I was praying for God to show me a definite answer and every time I turned around, I would see an ad or an article or something about this hospital, which 6 months earlier I hadn't even heard of.
God was showing me and I didn't like the answer so I was playing dumb. I feel pretty confident when I feel God speaking to me about most things that I know when He is truly speaking to me or if I am trying to feel like God is speaking to fulfill a selfish desire of mine.
I didn't want this to be the answer. I didn't want to start over again. I didn't want to think about having a kid that needed specialized medical care, much less any medical care. I just wanted to go home. But I knew God was speaking to me and so I shared this with my husband and a month later we were living out East.
Most of all, I didn't want one of the main reasons I felt like we were here to be true either. It took me nearly six months to share that thought with my husband. But now, a year into my youngest's life I finally can look at it and admit that is the main reason I felt like God was calling us to live here for right now. It shook me so much and I thought if I ignored it, maybe it wouldn't become true. But it did, even while I tried to ignore it. God knew what we needed and made sure we would have it.
I have no doubt we can get good medical care in many places across the country, but one thing they are seriously concerned of with my son is currently mainly treated in one of three locations across the country, and we just happen to live in one of the cities people bring their kids for treatments. We don't know still if this is what is going on with our son, but if it is, then we already have an experienced medical staff. How blessed are we that we just drive less than an hour?
One thing I have learned (over and over again:), is that life turns out so much better when God is the driver - not a passenger. A lot of times I don't understand where he is leading me, but in hindsight, it was the best option. I pray I can always put aside my selfish desires and follow the Lord wherever He leads me. He provides us with what we need and for that I am so grateful.