Remembering David with Hope

We just got back earlier this week from home after my cousin passed away suddenly at 24-years-old. Despite of his and my grandpa's death, I have to say our family has been tremendously blessed. Until this past 12 months, no one of our grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins or siblings close to us had died except my one of my grandpas who died when I was 1 and unfortunately I was way too young to remember him.

I know I am not that old, but that means for 30 years of my life, I had not had to deal with the grief of losing someone who had been a big part of my life at all. My husband and I lost 3 babies due to miscarriage a few years ago and that was extremely, overwhelmingly painful, but it was still different. To go home and not see both my Grandpa and now my cousin, it seems like a weird dream - one I wish I could wake up from.

I think in my head it was almost like babies and the unborn were very venerable, but once they were born alright and brought home, they would not die ... even though all people do at some point. I guess some of that is that invincibility of youth. Regardless, losing my Grandpa and then losing David a few months later is a jerk back into reality.

David was a big part of my life growing up. I don't remember him ever not being there after he came into this world. Even when his family lived in Arizona for awhile, every time we saw them it was like no time had passed (which I pray is what happens for my kids should we be blessed to move home some day).

We used to live in the same neighborhood, go to the same church and same school and knew a lot of the same people. He was such a good, gentle boy who grew into a good gentle man. My son used to love to run up and play peek-a-boo with him and he had so much patience and a soft spot for little kids, he never turned them down.

All I kept thinking during his wake and funeral was, "It isn't fair. This isn't supposed to be this way." You know when you are little and your parents tell you life isn't fair - well I always assumed they just were referring to trivial matters like it wasn't fair my brother got a bigger cookie. But this is no trivial matter and we aren't talking about a smaller cookie.

Still, I think every person is put on this Earth for the amount of time God needs them to do His will. Some of them, like my niece Sydne and my babies only get a little bit of time, but touch and change hearts. Some may get years and some decades. I think although David's life ended at 24, his loving nature and good heart will continue to touch everyone who knew him and maybe even some who didn't and hopefully draw them closer to God. I pray maybe it makes some of those kids who weren't nice to him growing up stop and think twice before treating someone like they don't matter and I pray it helps all of us reevaluate where we are going and what we are doing or avoiding to be where we aim to be, living in God's presence.

I have this great vision of David sitting up there with both my grandpas and my Sammy, Annabella and Esperanza as well as Sydne and my Uncle David (who he was named after) just having a great big Mexican party waiting for us to arrive. That leaves me with a big smile on my face.

This song touched my heart as I lost my babies and it seems fitting for losing David too. The beauty is we have faith and hope we will be reunited again ... knowing that helps us carry on.

With Hope
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

My Grandpa

When someone you love dies, there's not much to say. It hurts, you miss them more than you can ever express and you wish there was more time. My grandpa died suddenly last week, about 48 hours after going into the hospital. I have tried to write a few times, but am not able to express how much he meant to me. He had always been a very important part of my life and who I am and I am still not sure all of it has sunk in yet. I think my brothers said it best in their part of the eulogy on behalf of my siblings and cousins: "I guess I just miss my friend." He was everything a child wishes a grandpa to be. This poem was also a good reminder for me to focus on all he gave to us and keep his memory alive by living our lives and honoring him with what he taught us.


You can shed tears that he has gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
Be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want;
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Imagine The Possibilities ....

Check out this ad put out by catholicvote.com. It makes you remember the possibilities of all life and how all life is precious.

What Scares Me

Entering the second straight year of doctors, testing, pretty regular sicknesses and no diagnosis with my son is starting to wear on me, my husband and son and everyone else more than I realize sometimes.

I keep myself so busy talking to his doctors, pushing for something productive to happen, trying to get all the doctors who keep telling me they don't know what to do with him to keep racking their brains in hopes that someone will be able to help him and at the most unexpected times it hits me hard.

I know intellectually none of this is in my hands. I know tons of people are praying for him and us, and for that I am grateful. I also know God create us with a brain to use and not sit ideally by while life happens to us.

Every visit with a doctor and every day he gets sick and no one can tell us what is happening is scary. It's scary to know if he gets one really bad respiratory illness, he may not have the resources to fight it off because his body is already fighting hard.

It is scary to weigh the effects of medicines that in a normal kid may have bad effects, but in a kid whose future health is so uncertain may be the only way he even has some future health.

It is scary to watch my boys play and imagine what happens if my baby goes to the hospital one day and doesn't come home.

It kills me to stick the tube down his nose into his stomach to make sure he is getting enough extra calories to maintain his status quo and hopefully put on a few ounces in the process.

You know your children aren't yours solely - they are on loan from God. The further we delve into the possibilities of health issues and the more time we invest in doctors and hospitals, the more I wonder if our time would be better spent not looking for the "answer."

I want to capture every moment with my boys ... I am a photojournalist, it is in my nature. I think situations like this just make that urge 100 times stronger. I don't want to miss one second I am given with them.

I think what scares me more than not finding an answer sometimes, is finding one and what that means for our future; for his future.

My husband and I have talked about many different scenarios and what we know is we love our boys and no matter what, we want them to have as normal childhood as they can regardless. So even though that may include tons of trips to the doctors and hospitals and lots of tubes and medicines and who knows what ... it also includes a lot of toys and reading and laughter and hugs and giggles, and I hope that is what they remember most when they are older.

Exercises You Are Better Off Without This Year

With the start of the new year, it seems like everyone is always giving you advice on how to better exercises so it caught my attention when I was listening to the radio, the broadcaster began speaking about exercises we are better off without this year. I couldn't remember them all (I was driving and trying to remember while paying attention), but wanted to share what I did.

Jumping to conclusions - maybe we should step back and re-assess before making any hasty conclusions that are oftentimes wrong.

Fishing for compliments - I know I do this sometimes without even knowing it, but I know I need to do the best I can and rejoice in who I am in God, instead of looking to other people to build me up.

Beating our own drum - same as above. I need to be secure in who I am as God made me and know my rewards and the only ones that truly matter await me in Heaven.

Dragging our heels - I know there are many things I need to do and I tend to try to put off the ones I don't want to complete. I read somewhere that doing one thing you are dreading most in the day first thing gets it out of the way and you enjoy your day more. I know I tend to think more about what I have to do than it takes me to actually just do it.

Anyway, this isn't the whole list, but I thought it was pretty creative:)