Broken & Blessed

I have been pretty quiet on this blog lately because I have been exhausted. Our baby is still quite sick and after his week-long hospital stay and between sicknesses and around-the-clock meds and daily doctors appointments, we have had little time for much else.

I don't believe God only gives us what we can handle, because then we would never need to reach out to Him for help. This is important for me because I can be quite stubborn and know I need God, but don't always follow through in my life. The more challenging life gets, the more of a reminder I have of all the ways I can still put more of God in my life.

I do believe He gives us the resources and comes to us in people around us though to help us through when we just can't do it on our own.

While we have been overwhelmed with the realm of reality we are dealing with, we have also been overwhelmed (in a good way) with the graciousness of our family, friends and church community.

A ministry at our church I had just begun to get involved with has flooded us with offers to help in all sorts of ways. Many of the families we have never met or are just meeting now.

We have good friends who have been a good listening ear and who do the simple things that don't seem to get done. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, but I don't think any words really can be.

We also have such a wonderful extended network of friends from the many places we have lived who are praying across the country and world right now, and that brings us the strength to do what we need to do as parents.

I never could have imagined what this year has brought. It has been challenging and a struggle, but we have been so blessed with the kind of community we have longed for and the type we grew up with, it is impossible not to be grateful.

It is humbling to accept help, but when you really need it you have little choice and it is important in our world of always building ourselves up, to be humbled.

One of my favorite praise songs, "Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord," runs through my head. Because without us humbling ourselves, we cannot get closer to God. And if we are not growing closer to God, we are growing further away, which is not the direction I want to be headed.

I read somewhere once when it is too hard to just handle the week, handle the day. When it is too difficult to deal with the day, just deal with the hour. When it is too much to deal with the hour, deal with the minute and if that is too much, deal with the second. It sounds a bit silly, but thinking about that tends to make me smile because even when life is overwhelming, you can at least handle the day, hour, minute or at least second and the rest gets taken care of as it is needed to be addressed.

The greatest graces and gifts tend to come out of the most challenging situations in life - at least this has been my experience in my life - and I pray God will shape me more into the woman, wife and mother He wants me to be.

I am so glad I am a work in progress, because I still need a lot of refining:).

A Mother's Journey

My sister-in-law Liz who lost her baby last week is writing about her experience on her blog as well. She expresses herself wonderfully through her writing and it is worth it to go take a look.

My brother is making a guitar for Sydne. He is great with his hands and made a dresser for his oldest and he wanted to make Sydne something as well. He is a great musician and Liz is a great singer so whenever they pick it up, they will think of her. HE is keeping a blog of his progress on the guitar and may post the link later.

For all those asking how they are doing, you can see for yourself. They are a very faith-filled family and although it is obviously difficult, they know this is not the end.

You can visit Liz at http://beautifully-crazy.blogspot.com/ and Dominic at http://everydayisafishingday.blogspot.com/.

There Is Always Good

UPDATE: Sydne Isabelle died this morning about an hour after she was born. She was 5 pounds and 19 inches long and beautiful. My brother was able to baptize her before they cut the umbilical cord and we pray she has found her place in heaven.

The hardest part about not being where your family lives is not being able to share both the happy and sad times of life.

Our niece was born this morning. She was diagnosed in utero with Potter's Syndrome and although she is not expected to live for long, we are rejoicing in her birth.

I would love to get a chance to see her or hold her, but my place is at home with my boys and traveling could jeopardize my youngest's health, which we just can't do.

Still it is hard sitting here, 1000 miles away knowing nothing I can do or say will help as she dies. Not that anything would help if I was there either, but I hate the miles that separate us.

I know I cannot know what they are going through because I have not lost a child at birth and everyone's experience losing children is different, but I know losing the three babies I lost to miscarriage broke my heart.

When we lost our first baby, I was more than 3 months pregnant and it felt like one of the longest days of my life. I felt like my body was turning on me because no matter what, I couldn't stop the inevitable from happening.

I never knew something could truly hurt so deeply. I never knew I could love someone so much I hadn't even seen. Watching my brother and sister-in-law go through this brings back many memories of losing my own angels and I have been praying all day God is enveloping them in His arms.

I think losing them, however, gave me one of the greatest gifts I could ever have. I learned to not take my children for granted. Not take for granted that they would be born, or they would do anything. I know we never thought it would happen to us when we lost Samuel, but when I gave birth to my first alive son and he was fine and healthy, I treasured it so very much. I was very aware that both he and his brother are not mine. They belong to God and so for however long or short I get them, it is a gift of time.

I don't know how you face these type of situations without faith. My main comfort when I lost my babies is knowing I will see them one day in heaven and they are my little intercessors.

My brother and sister-in-law have a very deep faith and I know that and the prayers will bring them through this.

I am excited to know that she will not be alone when she gets to heaven. That Sammy, Annabella and Esperanza along with many other relatives will be waiting there to greet her.

Angels Watching Over Me

I am a strong believer in angels of all types. I think God's angels were working overtime this week for us. I had a fabulous birthday on Wednesday and was on a high from the love and all the special things my friends and family did to show they cared for me. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday. Truthfully, I went to a conference a few weeks ago and ever since then I have been in a really good place spiritually and was feeling stronger and stronger so my birthday just topped it off.

Then Thursday, I was heading 25 miles away for an appointment for my son to see another specialist for his breathing problems when my car literally died in the middle of an eight-lane highway going 60 mphs while I was in the center lane. As I was pushing the gas pedal as much as I could and only hitting 10 mph the traffic suddenly came to a stop and I was able to quickly make my way from the fast lanes to the side of the road and get off at the next exit. I prayed the whole time my car would make it and it did, literally until the end of the ramp where it died and never started again. I couldn't move it an inch after that, but God got us to a safe place to await a tow truck and my husband.

Then Friday, I was making dinner when my youngest started choking on apples. I had cut them up pretty small but he tried eating several pieces at once. I tried unsuccessfully to dislodge them and then called 911. He began turning blue and gray and by the grace of God I remembered the class we just had to take on infant CPR and choking when he was in the NICU a few months ago. I got four pieces out just as the first EMT ran up to our door. He apparently was off work, but lived around the corner and heard the call over the radio. He helped me get the rest out and as the ambulance and cops arrived, we just had to listen to him and get him calmed down.

I truly believe God gives you the peace of mind to clearly think though those situations when you have to and He gives us the people to help us as well. The EMT who lived nearby took over as he ran in the door and left as soon as the rest of the guys got here. What a blessing for him to be off work and listening to his radio at the time.

Throughout the last few days a part of a verse from one of my favorite Amy Grant songs kept running through my head:

God only knows the times my life was threatened just today.
A reckless car ran out of gas before it ran my way.
Near misses all around me, accidents unknown,
Though I never see with human eyes the hands that lead me home.

When everyone left, I felt the gravity of what had just happened and thankful for what didn't. The EMT told me what I did saved his life, but I honestly believe it was God and all those angels he sends to guide us- if I had had to rely on my own resources, I would have been a nervous wreck.

I've been asked by skeptical friends how I see God in our lives and why I believe in angels, this is why. I truly don't think things happen because you're lucky. I have had so many close encounters with God and angels in my life and honestly don't know how I could believe any other way.

Praise God In Your Storm

This week has been a blur and this will be short, but there more be more later after I can get some rest. I was going to write about my New Year's resolution, which will just have to wait for a bit.

For now I just want to ask for prayers for my baby. He was admitted into the NICU at the local children's hospital for RSV and possible other issues. He is doing ok, but not out of the woods yet.

It can be so easy to go through days, months and years forgetting what real problems feel like and look like.

When your baby gets sick, every other worry just melts away and all you can think about is doing everything you can to make them feel better. You forget what time or day it is and what bills need to be paid or laundry needs to be completed. As I'm sure most parents can attest, you would do anything to take the pain they are feeling away and have it happen to you.

As they spent more than a half hour the other day in the ER poking and prodding his arm for a vein to stick the IV in as he screamed harder and longer than I have ever heard him scream I thought how am I supposed to be the mom? I can't handle this. I can't possibly do this without a lot of support. Then I was reminded of something amazing.

In the middle of this storm and chaos, I already had everything I ever needed. I have someone who will hold me up when I can't walk and who will carry me when I can't make it any further. I love the song by Casting Crowns "Praise You In This Storm". You can read the lyrics here.

I honestly believe all the things that happen in our lives, the good, the bad and the difficult all serve a purpose and help shape us into the people we are. They are our chance to grow in our faith and become the people God intended us to be.

It's not always easy. I've struggled with it a lot in the past few days, but it is possible to take the difficulties and create opportunities. I spent a lot of time reciting a photo I still have that my confirmation sponsor gave me oh so many years ago, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

More later, but in the meantime please keep my baby boy in your prayers. He is struggling but we have all hope he will be just fine in the next week or weeks.

A Place To Call Home

It's funny how God really begins to work things out when they seem impossible. I know i shouldn't be surprised because throughout my life it happens time and time again, but alas I am so very human and some situations seem to offer no hope.

We are in the process of selling our house where we used to live and we got an offer from the company, which was significantly lower than what we owed on the mortgage. We've worked out a deal with the company that will not leave us with anything extra, but should at least allow us to sell the house and start from scratch. It's really hard to let go of what you are trying to do and we feel like it's been a step back, but I feel blessed that in this terrible market we have an option. I am reminded often that many families don't and may face financial ruin because of it.

We finally moved into a new apartment and although I was against apartments, as far as this goes it's not bad. It's bigger than our house square foot wise and we have a garage for storage, a fenced-in back yard and a deck, calming my fears of having two little boys and no place for them to play. The neighborhood is filled with a lot of young families and I hope we can make soem friends here.

We visited the church we are planning on joining for mass last Sunday and felt right at home - it's definitely the place where God is calling us to be. We met very friendly and open people and hope it will be a positive experience for us.

I joined a Women of Grace study as well. I was quite hesitate because I am on average 15-20 years younger than most of the others in the group, but we have something in common.... we are all moms. That helps a bit. We'll see how it goes. I just am feeling the need for a community and a place to fit in more than ever.

Even though I have physically lived further away from home, I have never felt further from home. I always knew I would be coming back in a semester or less. When we lived in Chicago, I had to learn that I could spend the weekends "living" on the phone with friends or entertaining friends from far away or I could look for opportunities to make new friends and make myself more at home. It's just so difficult to start again from scratch, but I truly feel in my heart God has placed us here for a reason and I pray I open to accept the gifts and trials he has placed before me.

Why 'Led By Faith'

After years of living on the Internet (and years of hating to write despite attending fabulous Journalism schools) I have decided to begin blogging. Many of my friends who are stay-at-home moms say it's a great outlet and after moving to a new part of the country, I figured I'd give it a try.

Don't get me wrong...I've blogged before. I am a photographer though and it has always been centered around my baby or my photography. But this time, I think I'm doing it more as an outlet and also in a hope to reach to others out there who find themselves in similar situations.

My husband just got a job on the East Coast and although nearly everyone we know and love is in the Midwest, we prayed very long and hard and truly felt like God has called us out here. Why is so beyond me and I cannot even begin to answer.

The last few months have been so difficult and I've so much trouble imagining moving out here. Nothing against the area, but an area doesn't make a place worth living ... at least not in my book. I hate missing all the things i feel like I should be around for with our family and friends, but am trying so hard to focus on the positives on being out here.

So there's the name...led by faith. Because of our faith in God and His role in our lives, we truly believe He has called us to come out here. We may not know the reason and it may be painful right now, but I truly believe that when all is said and done, we will realize this in the overall plan of our lives.

I am human and do not ever claim to be some amazing human being...because I am not. I am just a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a niece and a friend trying to live the best life I am called to live. I am trying to balance what I hope to do with my photography and skills God has blessed me with along with the wonderful gift of spending more and more time with my little man and husband.

So here we are on our new adventure and although we do not know how long we will be around, I'm sure it will be interesting!