Ask And It Shall Be Given

God surely has a sense of what we need - and a good dose of humor with that as well.

I was challenged a few weeks ago at a talk to bring a notebook to mass, spend some time before or after praying and asking God what one thing He wanted you to focus on during the week. I can always think of a million I should focus on, but actually just picking one is difficult and easier all in one. It helps me truly focus on the one and not get distracted by the long lists of imperfections I know I have, but it can be difficult to pick one.

(Side note: My husband and I split masses right now so our youngest can stay home and not be exposed to all the germs that comes with being at mass and hopefully keep him healthier in the process).

Anyway, so I was praying while I was waiting for my hubby to come home so I could leave for mass on Saturday since my kiddos were sleeping. I asked God what He wanted me to work on, prayed a bit and then opened my notebook to write. I started to write patience, and then felt like God was shaking his head saying,"Not this week - that one is for later."

I crossed it out, prayed a bit more and then wrote "prudence of speech." That's another one of those I have been working on a lot more the past year. I'm not sure why I used that wording, since I can't remember EVER using the work "prudence" in my life, but whatever.

My husband got home, I headed to mass, took a seat and was marveling how amazing it was to have a mass by myself without little boys when the first reading began.

Reading 1
Wis 7:7-11

I prayed, and prudence was given me;

I seriously started to chuckle. I think that was a sign I wrote down the right thing to focus on this week:). What do you think?

My perfect night

Last weekend it was just me and my little boys all weekend. My mother-in-law and I had arranged a trip for my husband and father-in-law (for my hubby's birthday) so hubby was out of town most of the long weekend. Maybe it's just me, but any time he is out of town, seem especially long and tiring. It's not that I don't love being with my boys, but I have no idea how single moms do it. I am exhausted and waiting for that break on Saturday morning. When I don't get it, I feel like I am just especially exhausted.

So anyway, the weekend was fine and relatively uneventful. We stayed home a bit more because we are really trying to save some money so on Sunday I was aching to get out and do something ... ANYTHING. I just wanted a real conversation with someone older than three.

I promised the boys we would go to this fireworks display if they took good naps. They did so Sunday night we headed out with a blanket and some sweatshirts and waited for the "ka-booms" to begin. It was a bit crowded and I was just ready to head home so I could put them in bed, but figured they were really excited and I had promised them we could go.

They were so excited they were jumping out of their skin when we got there. We had to wait a little bit, but then the show started. Both of them cuddled up next to me. They are both so little we had one twin sized blanket we were sitting on that also fully covered us up. I looked down at them and their eyes were wide with wonder. You know the kind only seen in really young, innocent kids? The older one hugged me really close and said, "Thank you mommy for taking me to the special ka-booms." The younger one's eyes never left the sky.

A million thoughts ran through my head. I thought about how even though the weekend was tiring and long, it was kind of nice just me and my boys hanging out. I thought about how a year ago the same fireworks show would have sent both of them into hysterics and we would have had to leave early. I thought about how blessed I am to have two beautiful boys and how I don't know how I got so lucky, but am so glad they are part of my life.

I barely watched the show, but instead watched them wishing I could stop them from growing up so fast .... at least for a little while.

Thinking of my grandpa

I can't believe it's been six months since my grandpa died. I was just sitting here thinking how much I miss him and thinking what I wouldn't give for kiss on my cheek, a shoulder hug and a chuckle from him. Grandpa, we can't wait to see you again:)

Update on NFP - The Marquette Method

So it's been awhile since I wrote about the Marquette Method NFP we were trying out. I felt compelled to write about it because when we first heard of it, I could find NO information about how it worked for real people ... just the research.

Well, we have decided we are infinitely happier with this method than the sympto-thermal method. Our youngest has continued to have many medical needs, thus really pushing us more to wait to have any additional children and needing a method we had confidence in.

He is now 21 months and older than his brother when he was born, which has helped give us time to devote to both of them and their needs at the present time. We have made it to our initial goal of waiting another winter before we would have another baby. Our new goal is to get through one more winter without getting pregnant, knowing how much it takes out of me and my body and knowing the demands of our baby's medical needs (not to mention two little boys:). If we did we would welcome our baby with open arms, but we also turst in God's perfect timing for us.

I love not adding more "medicines" to my body and making my body believe it is constantly pregnant. After the initial struggle to learn it, my husband and I both agree it has also strengthened our marriage in ways we never could have imagined. We communicate a lot better with each other. Not perfectly, of course, but a lot better and we have a lot more respect for each other.

Plus we have gained confidence in a method that allows us to prayerfully discern if we are called to have more children at the time, while allowing God to make the ultimate decisions. Overall, it has just set our hearts at ease.

You can find my other posts on the Marquette Method here. I am by no means an expert, but am happy to help out others who are looking for information that seemed very challenging at best to find.

The Web site for tracking has also made it very easy for us to figure everything out and has been such a blessing. God bless and good luck!

Remembering David with Hope

We just got back earlier this week from home after my cousin passed away suddenly at 24-years-old. Despite of his and my grandpa's death, I have to say our family has been tremendously blessed. Until this past 12 months, no one of our grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins or siblings close to us had died except my one of my grandpas who died when I was 1 and unfortunately I was way too young to remember him.

I know I am not that old, but that means for 30 years of my life, I had not had to deal with the grief of losing someone who had been a big part of my life at all. My husband and I lost 3 babies due to miscarriage a few years ago and that was extremely, overwhelmingly painful, but it was still different. To go home and not see both my Grandpa and now my cousin, it seems like a weird dream - one I wish I could wake up from.

I think in my head it was almost like babies and the unborn were very venerable, but once they were born alright and brought home, they would not die ... even though all people do at some point. I guess some of that is that invincibility of youth. Regardless, losing my Grandpa and then losing David a few months later is a jerk back into reality.

David was a big part of my life growing up. I don't remember him ever not being there after he came into this world. Even when his family lived in Arizona for awhile, every time we saw them it was like no time had passed (which I pray is what happens for my kids should we be blessed to move home some day).

We used to live in the same neighborhood, go to the same church and same school and knew a lot of the same people. He was such a good, gentle boy who grew into a good gentle man. My son used to love to run up and play peek-a-boo with him and he had so much patience and a soft spot for little kids, he never turned them down.

All I kept thinking during his wake and funeral was, "It isn't fair. This isn't supposed to be this way." You know when you are little and your parents tell you life isn't fair - well I always assumed they just were referring to trivial matters like it wasn't fair my brother got a bigger cookie. But this is no trivial matter and we aren't talking about a smaller cookie.

Still, I think every person is put on this Earth for the amount of time God needs them to do His will. Some of them, like my niece Sydne and my babies only get a little bit of time, but touch and change hearts. Some may get years and some decades. I think although David's life ended at 24, his loving nature and good heart will continue to touch everyone who knew him and maybe even some who didn't and hopefully draw them closer to God. I pray maybe it makes some of those kids who weren't nice to him growing up stop and think twice before treating someone like they don't matter and I pray it helps all of us reevaluate where we are going and what we are doing or avoiding to be where we aim to be, living in God's presence.

I have this great vision of David sitting up there with both my grandpas and my Sammy, Annabella and Esperanza as well as Sydne and my Uncle David (who he was named after) just having a great big Mexican party waiting for us to arrive. That leaves me with a big smile on my face.

This song touched my heart as I lost my babies and it seems fitting for losing David too. The beauty is we have faith and hope we will be reunited again ... knowing that helps us carry on.

With Hope
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope